My Mothers Words

Love will always win but there may come times where hate clouds the light, where these people's cruel words weigh heavy on you, but I am here to tell you right now that there are people in the world who will welcome you. I know it for a fact, and I'll prove it to you.

My mother is the light and soul of my life and I would not be here without her. I know that may be a corny thing to say but it is true. She showed me that there is joy in the world that's worth fighting for.

Every time I came out - bisexual, lesbian, nonbinary, bisexual again, transgender, gay, queer, and so on to this day - she always loved me. No matter what. Even if she didn't understand my identity, she would research and ask questions. I would not have the self confidence I possess today if she had not assured me time and time again that however I identified was okay; that I was worthy of love no matter what and that I was never a source of shame. 

I would not be the human I am if my mother hadn't taught me to be  kind, thoughtful, and compassionate. She taught me what it means to be a good human, to care for others, and to help people however you can. She raised me in a loving manner that I will never forget and will always appreciate. Yes, we had hardships, as all families do. But we made it through together, and I could not be prouder to be her son. 

And so, before I went in for my top surgery (almost 2 years ago wow that's crazy!), I asked one more thing of her. I asked her to write a journal entry. I wanted to know what it was like for her. I had worked through all of my personal struggles with her by my side. She had been there with me the whole time and I wanted to know her side of the story. 

Before I share what she wrote, I want to express one last thing. While being part of the queer community is much more accepted now than in the past, that hate is still there and nobody should have to face this journey without support. We all deserve to have someone by our side that will love us unconditionally. Someone who will fight the legislation by our side. Someone that will protect our identity and help us grow in the face of adversity. 

My mother was that person for me. If you don't have that sort of person in your life, my mother is here for you. Far and wide, she supports the trans and queer community. She is with us. You may not know her, you may never meet her. Even so, she is proof that we are not alone. That you are not alone. That we are worth fighting for and we have people fighting with us. 

I believe that what my mother wrote in that waiting room while I was receiving gender affirming care has the power to move anyone.

"February 14th, 2024 is a new holiday for our family. Jay’s day of JOY. Jay is in surgery right now. Female to Male, gender affirming top surgery. Dr. Steinwald, one of the best surgeons in the world, is helping my son to FEEL like a boy. To look at his body and accept it. Maybe even like it, or love it! I just can’t wait. I can’t wait for Jay to wear swim trunks with his shirt off. I can’t wait for Jay to wear size small t-shirts with confidence. I can’t wait for Jay to donate (or burn) his bras and donate his binders. I can’t wait for strangers, customers, students at CSU to say “hey dude” or “excuse me sir” without pause because Jay IS a boy and the world recognizes that. 

I’m so proud of him for making this decision. He is so brave. He is so strong. I know that some of this strength of his has come from suffering, which hurts my soul. However, he could’ve gone the other direction after suffering! He could have given up. Given up to the depression. Said yes to the suicidal ideations. But he did NOT do that. He was brave enough to tell Genie that he wasn’t ok. He said yes to help. That is one of the bravest things any human can do and I am beyond grateful that my son had the energy and courage to call Genie. To receive help from the crisis center. All of the therapy, all of the meds, all of the honesty. All of the mood stickers on his door. Being honest about self harm. Every single time he woke up and went to school, to volleyball, to an outing with friends. He was brave to push through the depression and build up to where we are today. He learned how to self-soothe with music, art, and friendships. He’s beyond his years and I’m so proud that tears well up in my eyes, throat and chest. It’s hard to breathe because I love him so much and I’m so glad he’s still here. Today we are taking steps to diminish the negative thoughts he has about his body and self. It might not be the solution to everything, but it is a huge step toward the self-acceptance that he deserves. I have learned so much from my son Jay…

10 years ago or so, I had a medium (psychic) tell me that Jay was coming for me, hell or high water, which is why I hadn’t known I was pregnant and why the pregnancy test was negative when I was actually pregnant. She told me that Jay was my mother or grandmother in a previous life and was here to save my life. Not only has Jay saved my life, he’s made me a better human. He has taught me every valuable lesson and I’m so lucky he’s in my life! When I got pregnant with Jay I was not OK. My mom was still a terrible alcoholic, which affected me more than I thought it did.  At the time, I was suffering from drug and alcohol dependencies. I was in a relationship with someone I didn’t love; I was a dishonest, sad and angry person. I was in a major funk and was going downhill. 

When I was pregnant, but didn’t know it, I wasn’t able to drink alcohol - I barfed it up immediately. And the drugs just didn’t work -- so I quit. Instead, I was drinking like a half gallon of milk per day, which I NEVER drank and started eating super healthy and working out. And then when I found out I was having a baby, I vowed to get my shit together. I got it together very slowly - still getting it together, actually - but it was enough to be a good enough mom to Jay. 

When I first held Jay in my arms, I almost exploded with love. It was the most intense feeling I’d ever had in my life. I may have been in a funk, but everything seemed possible and better when I looked into his beautiful eyes and held his perfectly small hands. I’d never loved anything as much as I loved Jay. 

Looking back, I don’t recall being enamored with having a “girl” -- I wasn’t the mom who bought all the pink, girly shit. But I also didn’t even consider what gender Jay would prefer to be. I didn’t think about giving him a gender neutral name. I didn’t think about asking him if he felt like a boy or a girl or neither. I regret this. I regret not being more in tune with my kid. He was born a biological girl, but was sending us all of the messages; I just didn’t see that until now. I’m very sorry for this. I have forgiven myself because Jay is still here and now I have a platform to help others. I educate those around me without abandon on how to approach gender with our kids. I’m going to fight for Trans rights forever. 

I think what I regret the most is not being in tune with Jay’s underlying currents. There has been so much suffering. So much suffering alone. I get nauseous thinking about it. All of the late nights Jay stayed up, feeling confused, sad, mad, disgusted with himself…ugh…I wish I had been in there to hold him and tell him that he can be a boy! That I love him so much as a boy! 

While there is regret, I also like to see the positive in everything. We can’t go back in time now! Jay’s journey has been hard, but it’s a journey that had to happen. From gay to they/them to he/him - a natural progression for us, I think. Without this journey, today might not feel as certain. For me, I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life (well, maybe my divorce - pretty damn sure about that one!). That love I felt when I first met Jay…that incredible welling of LOVE - unlike any other feeling I’d ever felt, has never gone away. I love my kid so fucking much. And when Jay didn’t want to be in the world anymore, well, that was the other end of the spectrum. It was the WORST I’ve ever felt in my life. So many nights, staying up, struggling to sleep, worrying, worrying, worrying….so much worry. So much sadness and guilt. Oh how can I help my kid be happy? How can I teach him to self-soothe, to be just OK. To rise above that depression hole? What have I done to make him feel this way? What has the asshole world done to make him feel this way? I went through all of the stages of grief even though my sweet boy was still here. I was grieving because my sweet boy did not want to be here anymore. I think the only thing worse in the world would be to lose him. It was so hard. But I did my best to stay strong, to love him and to help him march upward, out of that cloud of depression. 

So when people say to me, “wow, it must be so hard to have a transgender son, you are such a good mom for accepting him,” I tell them that it’s not hard. The hard part is having a son who doesn’t love and accept his body. The hard part is living in a society that doesn’t love and embrace the transgender community. And when they say “holy cow, this surgery is a big deal! Isn’t Jay kind of young for this type of surgery? Are you guys sure?” I give them a big old FUCK YES WE ARE SURE!!!! SO SURE!! There is no question in my mind that he is my son - “If you had a big dick hanging off your head, would you remove it?” I ask them. And they always say yes. So I tell them that Jay has felt like he has a big ol’ dick on his head since puberty and that I feel awful for not removing it sooner! I ask them “what if your insides didn’t match your outsides? That would really suck, right?” And another thing I ask them or think to myself -- have you met my son, Jay!?? Because he’s the most mature 17 year old I’ve ever met and has read more books than you. And he has done a crazy amount of research. We are so ready for this. One thing I know for sure - Jay is my SON and needs to cut those damn tits off! 

I know that Jay might always suffer from depression, disordered eating and anxiety, but today it feels so much easier to help him fight it. This surgery might not fix everything, but it is a monumental step forward. I hope Jay feels how supported he is. I can’t even imagine how much ass Jay is going to kick now that he will feel confident showing up as a boy - as a man. I’m actually wanting to scream “WATCH THE FUCK OUT, WORLD - A BADASS MOTHERFUCKER IS HERE AND HIS NAME IS JAY!!” My kid is going to make the world a better place. And he’s going to do it while accepting and loving himself. Holy shit, that’s just the best, isn’t it? Yes, yes it is.” 

~

My mothers love spreads so much further than the queer lives within her own family. It spreads to the entire community. So, if you ever feel alone, know that there are good people out there. People who are not ashamed of you or the LGBTQIA+ community. People that will fight for you. People that will not cast you aside just because you are queer. People that will support you. People like my mother. All of the love she spreads to those around her, no matter gender, sexuality, or identity includes you! There are countless people like my mom who fight to keep our community strong and you are part of our strength, so don’t be afraid to show it. You deserve to be visible. You deserve to find joy. You are no source of shame. And anyone who says differently is simply wrong. Love is love and love will always win, even if we have to fight for it.