Role Models

I hope that one day in society, we reach a point where everyone can just love whoever they love regardless of gender. That sexuality becomes fluid throughout all of humanity, where people don't have to “come out”. Where people loving people is normal regardless of gender (which is also very fluid). A version of this world in which people can just exist however they please without judgment or backlash from society. But that's an awfully big ask. And the notion of “coming out” is still very much present. 

I had a lovely conversation with my great great aunt Kaho, an adopted Hawaiian badass. We spoke over the summer when I was getting ready to go to a local pride festival. She spoke about how she wasn't actually a big fan of “pride month” because she wants people to just be people and that big labels and events like that don't get anyone anywhere. She wanted to express that we aren't so different from straight people and that making big parades and festivals was sort of going against the goal of breaking the barriers between queer and straight lives. Creating yet another loud statement that we were different from our hetero counterparts. And while her vision is lovely and I also hope to get to a point like this in society where sexuality isn't a big label but rather a variation of how people live their lives, I also believe that since society still holds a lot of hate against queer people, pride month and celebrations of queer joy are incredibly important to have. 

Since society is not fully accepting of queer love or identities yet, it makes queer representation all the more important because there are people out there, kids out there, who would rather be dead than gay because the only representation of the LGBTQIA+ community is rooted in the homophobic notions they gained from those around them, whether that be their family, peers, or community. These children who grow up in unaccepting households or communities may fall into a deep darkness but queer visibility is a beacon of light that has the capability to break through this darkness and shed light on the fact that there is nothing bad about being gay or trans. That the queer experience is in fact a lovely and beautiful thing, not the vile sin some believe and condemn it to be. 

There are a lot of difficult obstacles that queer individuals have to face throughout their lifetimes, but those obstacles are always easier to tackle when you don't feel alone, when you have a support system with whom you can ask for help and advice and guidance - when you have role models.

There is a very important woman in my life who really paved the way for me to grow into my queer identity. Her name is Steph and ever since I was little (she knew my mom before I was even born) she has been such an amazing role model for me. I grew up knowing that she was a lesbian but not really knowing what that meant, just knowing she had a wife and that that was okay and that my mom loved her regardless. I didn't realize how much of an impact Steph made in my life until I was discovering my own sexuality and working up the courage to “come out”. 

Steph was solid proof that my mom would accept me as queer no matter what, which was a huge reason that coming out to her was so simple for me. But Steph was also an absolute ICON. As long as I can remember she's always rocked a brightly colored mohawk. She's always had a very unique way of presenting herself. Growing up knowing someone who broke societal norms was really empowering. She was a big inspiration for me to break away and explore how I presented myself on a more genuine level, helping me realize that I could cast aside societal expectations on what it meant to be a man and discover for myself what kind of man I wanted to become.

Steph was also a model of queer relationships. She's married to her wife with two lovely little girls (who aren't actually that little anymore). Being able to see a queer relationship and understand that their love isn't so different from straight love was really cool. It proved that there are more than one way to love someone and that forms of love don't really have anything to do with gender. Their relationship put into perspective that societal stereotypes and gender norms are full of shit! That housework and parenting and having fun aren't for men or women, but for everyone to take part of. That those roles we have dedicated and engraved into our daily lives is all just a social construct.

I am incredibly grateful to have someone like Steph, who has been genuine, kind, and funny my whole life. Not everyone has someone like her in their lives. Some people grow up never interacting or speaking with queer people on an intimate level. I've known that Steph was queer my whole life, but that never really mattered. Well of course it matters, but it was never a big deal, it was just normal. My mom treated her the same as all of her other good friends which was a really impactful thing for me to see growing up. Thanks to Steph's openness in her identity and my moms equal treatment of her, I learned early on that queer people aren't some wild aliens - they are just people who should be treated the same as anyone else around you.